summer time kicking off

well, so far, my summer has started off pretty okay. i'm constantly at a state of either really happy or worried. i'm really pleased with how things are going now, but I'm always worrying about what is to come. I don't want this forever. I don't want to commute so long to work a job that is not really getting me anywhere. Especially since they've been cutting hours. I did however ask them to not have me on when I need to sit through rush hour to get to work on time, and they actually listened. However, I cut myself at work and had to get stitches and now I'm missing out on hours which may or maynot be covered by workmans comp. If it doesn't, i'm slightly screwed, but I guess i'm getting used to not having money. It just sucks because I'd like to pay colin, but I can't do that without having zero money left over which I need because I drive so much and gas prices are going up fast again. i really hope i can find a full time job in the city so I don't have to drive as much. I feel like I'm wasting myself sometimes, and then other times I feel like I'm doing a lot better than others. I just don't know at all. I'm honestly kind of afraid, but I can't let that get to me. I can do this all on my own. I'm so convinced that I can. I just need a full time job.

eh i guess

um, so, a lot has happened in the past few months. my life is ever changing. sometimes it's exhausting. sometimes it's great. always my own fault though. I can't say I'd change the way I live my life, though. As of right now, I don't have a solid home, and I'm okay with that. I can honestly say that I never want to live in Western Mass again, and I'm doing my best to keep it that way, even if it means I live out of my car. I've lucked out though. Darlene and I are still cool, so a lot of my things are at the house, and I can use the shower and washer and dryer. I pay 150 a month for that, which might be pricey, but for now, I'll take it. I'm very lucky to have someone like colin, too. He lets me sleep at his apartment, which rules. I'm not used to guys being so giving. I'm always stuck at the ass end of relationships. always being the one to pay, or provide. I'm not used to it, but I'm certainly not complaining.

also, been to a lot more shows than ever lately. that's another thing I love about the east side and the city. way. more. shows. good ones. Oh, and there was that one where aaron and I drove 30 hours to get to. which brings me to another note: BLOCK PARTY '09

Never have i been more scared, than driving my tiny, shitty, japanese car for 12 hours in a row, but damn was it worth it. new orleans rules so hard. the trip itself was awesome too. I think we spent more time driving to new orleans than actually being there, which is a shame because I wish I could have stayed longer. it's very relaxed there, just what I love. the pre show was awesome. i had my fair share of bud lights and jim beam. needless to say I was feeling alright. met some great people. heard some sweet tunes. Block Party itself was very kick ass as well. It was perfect. Spending an entire day in great weather, surrounded by great people, seeing some of my favorite bands. I barely knew anyone there but it really didn't matter to me. I was pretty high for most of the day, which made it so much better. I also ate a spectacular burrito. Later that night, Aaron and I sat on the balcony of the hotel room (that matt wixson and friends were so kind to let us stay in) and talked about a whole bunch of stuff, you know, life, the universe, etc. it was real cool. the trip back was shorter, but only by like 3 hours. Aaron picked up most of the driving, and I slept (felt kinda bad though). Great trip.

I'm also getting more productive with my pictures. I'm only picking the best from each set and marking them. I hope more people start to enjoy my stuff. I keep getting compliments on my "soft box" (as one of them called it). I like what it does for my pictures, and it cost me next to nothing. Maybe if I ever make more money, I'll get a third (quality) bounce flash, and maybe some other bells and whistles. I'm glad I got the fish eye adapter. Even though it's not the greatest quality fisheye, it gets the job done. if I had a farther ranged lens, they wouldn't be as cheap looking, but for now, I'm pretty satisfied. I even made a myspace for my photos. http://myspace.com/lindsaysandersonphoto how cool am i

Work has been very weird lately. My hours are all over the map, my favorite co-worker got fired, a dumb bitch quit because she didn't want to work the deli, leaving me with a ton of bullshit, and some how, the only people who can cover any shift i need off are the ones that can't have anymore hours because they can't go over time because it's only valid if authorized. I don't understand. maybe I'm not looking deep enough into it, but we seem to be thriving with business. But no one is getting raises, time and a half or and other benefits, yet we're hiring a ton of new workers. I wish I could just have full time hours with benefits and that's that. I love working at bob's, don't get me wrong. I really do enjoy myself most of the time at work, and I would be thrilled to work there a lot more. I wish I could. I guess I'll have to find a second job.


yea, I think that's about it for now.

wellwellwellwellwellwellwell

oh man, how fucking cool are you, in a club with only the chosen few

Oh oh oh

I cannot sleep at all right now.

I have been pretty numb lately. I've been feeling so many emotions that Im starting to not really feel at all. A mix of relief, excitement, worry, wonder, fear, happiness, you name it. It's almost overwhelming, and I kind of wish it wasn't.

Being sick sucks. I think it's been like two weeks now. It's made me not want to eat much, which has left me feeling very weak. I'm just so tired all the time. I guess tons of people have been pretty sick too. I'm feeling better than I have, but I'm still not feeling 100%.

Spring is almost here. This winter has been long and confusing and I'm ready to wear tshirts and not be cold anymore. I prefer hot weather to freezing weather any day. I'm just ready to be warm.

I really have nothing new to say.

note to self: eye contact

i need to practice making eye contact, aka, i need to have a little more confidence in myself. i've noticed (because i do shit like that) how make as little to no eye contact i make with people. Sometimes I feel like my eyes won't focus on another persons. I feel like people can see right through me. As paranoid as that sounds ha. I don't even know what I have to hide. Sometimes I feel so vulnerable, but I really don't have any reason to. I just need to man up a little and stop being such a pussy.

On another note, my cat still rules. I'm glad I decided to adopt him. He seems to enjoy living here.

The new BTMI CD has replaced my hindsight is 20/20 (finally). I thought i was on a perma-Ergs-trip, but Scrambles is slowly becoming my new favorite. They've always had the best way of throwing some of my favorite genres in to one sick album, and still do. I'm stoked to see them next weekend.

Speaking of weekends, holy shit, it's already friday (well technically). This saturday, since i acctually have nothing planned, I have two things that I want to do: A) FINALLY get new tires and an inspection sticker before i: 1)have a tire blow and die in a car accident, or 2)get pulled over and more than likely charged for having an expired sticker. Pretty crucial. When I finally get that done, B) talk to shannon about that tattoo guy. I just got paid for mad hours, and I wanna get some ink. I definitely want to get the finger mustache in honor of MX3. I'm still not exactly sure what i want for the second one just yet, but I better decide soon. I've got too many in mind, though. I've got a ton of "eventually" tattoos planned, but I dont' know what I want first. I guess I'll figure it out.


bed time.

I wish

If life was easy, it would be boring.

I wish I could man up and be honest about things. I mean, it would probably help if I knew exactly how I felt, or how to word things. I'm tired of always being hidden behind a computer screen, but I sound retarded when I try to speak out. I get nervous and stutter. I have such a weak voice, and I hate the way I sound.

I also wish I was so god damn sensitive. I cry way more than I ever want to. It's embarrassing. I absolutly hate crying in front of people. I lose all ability to form autible words or complete sentences. I sound like an idiot. I also wish people knew not to ask me if I'm okay because I just get more upset. I don't know why. Crying is one of those things that stresses me out and relieves me at the same time. I wish I could just suck it up though.

I'm ready for winter to end. I'm also ready for blink 182. And green day. And less than jake in march. And no doubt in may. I'm ready for no more bullshit snow. And being outside. And windows down. I'm ready to be happy and not bummed.

I'm ready for sleep, but I can't seem to get tired. I wish I was sedated for a little while.

to be continues

we'll take almost forever
just to make ourselves feel better
and conveniently lose track of those
who are far less better off
so lets take one goddamn second
to step back and realize
that the world does not
revolve around
our selfish fucking lives