Winter storm days

I don't think I will ever in my lifetime be fully prepared for snow and ice. It's snowing out right now, and the likelyhood of me being trapped in this fucking house all night is about 100%. I wish I had a big backyard or a hill to go sleedig on nearby (one that doesn't suck at least). I'm sure the pond up in the woods is frozen, but I would never go alone. The joy of living in the suburbs where I have no decent peers at all.

Christmas is less than a week away. Why does it not affect me anymore? I think the fact that I'm not religious. Or maybe that I've just lost all holiday spirit along with the rest of the country. It's just not the same as when I was little. Now I just don't care. Yea, it's cool tonsee my family and eat awesome food and open gifts, but it's just unimportant to me. I don't know. Sometime I wish I had a little faith. I'm too logical for my own good sometmes.

I'm trecking down to new london, ct tomorrow for a sweet show. It's a trickstah show, so it's bound to be fun. I haven't seen any of those people in quite some time. I'm pretty stoked. I hope the weather doesn't fuck thinks up.

Maybe I should go find something to do. I have no obligations right now. I honestly have no where I need to be, or anything I need to do. Sometimes that feeling is good, but right now, it's not sitting well with me. Whatever. I'll certainly get over it.

Oh, medication

I really need better living habits. I almost never go to sleep before midnight, and can't even wake up to be at work for fucking noon. I don't know why it's so hard for me to wake up. I think the medication I'm on has some sort of relivence, but even when I'm not on meds, it's a fucking struggle. Maybe it's part lack-of-motivation. And maybe it's because I don't disipline myself. Who knows. I really wish I could break this habit.

In other news, the VFW is set for the first, and I'm stoked. I'm really excited about doing more shows. And the other awesome shows I'm going to in the next few months. I wish I had more time to work so I could do more with the music scene. LOL. I'm a scenester lolololol.

I'm considering moving to ware with some friends of mine. As boring as that town is, it's way closer to where I want to be. The kids who hang at the house are really cool. It would be rad to live with them.

I'm trying to get into the habit of reading more. I'm dyslexic, but I think it would really help if I read more. I'm borrowing Gandhi's autobiography from my grandparents right now. I'm going to try to read a little bit of it everyday. I have a ton of books, I just never end up reading them, or finishing them, and I think it's time that I did. Though I did finish hairstyles of the damned in about two days flat. I wish books were more exciting to me. Maybe the inability to read well and being easily distracted has something to do with it. Haha.

I'd have to say winter is my least favorite season. Snow and ice do me no good (unless of course I'm skiing, sledding or ice skating, but it's rare). I drive too much too enjoy snow. My blood is also way too thin for cold weather. I wish I could find joy in winter. I try to look on the bright side of things, but most days are too gloomy to stay positive. I'm a sunshine kind of girl. After all, I was born in the middle of august. I just need to live in a warmer state. Sometimes I feel obligated to live in massachusetts.

I love mass though. Western mass may suck, but eastern and central mass are pretty fucking cool. So much good music has come out of new England. So many of my favorite bands were formed in the area, and I'm really glad to live near places that have good shows. I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life, and I honestly think I just want to open a venue. A place for bands to play, a place for people to hang out at. That's what we need. Kids fuck themselves over because they get bored and do stupid shit. I would have a bar too. I mean, my uncle was very successful in the bar operating business. I just don't see myself doing anything else (happily at least). To me, life is about making the best out of shitty things, and trying to be as happy as possible. I guess I better start saving.

I need some sleep.

Home for 2 seconds

I'm finally home after a weekend extravaganza with aaron hibbert. Not that I was eager to get home because I had a ton of fun this weekend. Even though I was slightly bummed that SKDPX didn't go down, I'd say the rest of the weekend was successful. Brownies ruled. Hanging out with brunt of it also ruled. What a rad bunch of dudes. They were super nice too, and wicked funny. Got me into the show for free which is always awesome. We ended up at the mcdonalds across the street from the Mideast after the show where I discovered what a "technoburger" was. I guess you take a doublecheeseburger and a mcchicken and put the entire mcchicken in the double cheese burger. Talk about heart failure.

The show was pretty cool today. Made some new friends. Got lots of sweet pictures. Got some free shit. Success. I'm stoked for the 28th. Bjp and big lick are playing the mid east. Should be a silly time. The pirates are always so drunk, it's awesome.

Speaking of which, I don't think I have gotten drunk since the aquabats. I'm kinda kicking myself for that because the aquabats have been one of my favorite bands for a long time and the one time I finally got to see them, I'm so drunk that it's almost unenjoyable. Needless to say I had a blast, but it could have been so much better if i didn't drink so much on the train. Live and learn, I guess. I hope they come back alto the area. It was such a rad show. Tragedy, the metal tribute to the beegees, fucking rules, by the way.

It's been like a week since I last smoked. That's quite some time for me, who used to be stoned pretty much most of the day. The money I'm saving is benificial though. More gas money to go hang. This whole no buying 50 bucks worth of headie every week is working out alright for me. I miss being high a lot, but I hate how tired it made me feel. I hate feeling so lazy all the time. I guess I'll survive though. It's certainly not hurting me.

I guess my bosses cut my hours. Ha i suppose that's what I get for being late all the time. I now work Mon-fri 12-3. Ha. Easy work. That's 112.5 bucks a week, which isn't awful. It'll be good for when I start classes. I really do need to get into the baby of waking up by 10am at the latest. Even 8 am won't hurt me. I also need to not stay up all night on the Internet. Ha. Maybe that's why it's so hard to wake up in the morning. Hmmm..

Well, looking at the clock, it's now almost 12:40am. Probably time to try and get some sleep. Going to hang out in ware tomorrow. Should be rad.

I never realized how important electricity was until yesterday. I mean, I've always known it was important, but I guess it was something a lot of people take advantage of, including myself. I guess a lot of NH, eastern mass, even some parts of central mass, and probably anywhere north of mass has either lost or still doesn't have electricity due to the ice storm. I feel kind of shitty knowing that I take advantage of something I rely on every single day. I guess it goes to show that we need to really be thankful for those things we never really think much of, but use more than anything.

I've been chilling in Lowell at Aarons dorm in umass. It's been cool (minus the lack of electricity last night). His suitemates are nice (well, the two that I've met). College would be cool if there was no academic aspect of it hahaha. Lots of cute boys ha. Too bad good looking boys are usually assholes. Oh well.

I've been feeling kinda lonely lately, but it's not that I can't get a dude (not to sound cocky), but I think my standards are just too high. I have every reason to set them high though. Maybe part of my problem is the inablity to say no, or the fact that I never really gave myself much credit, but guys seem to enjoy leading me on, and then dropping me, or wanting something, and insisting on keeping it totally under wraps, and to be completely honest, I'm pretty tired of it. I understand that a lot of dudes think with their dick more than with their head or even their heart, but come on. It's not hard to treat a girl like a human being and not just something to pleasure yourself with. It disgusts me sometimes. And I've had my moments, but some of these girls who throw themselves onto guys are no better. It's one thing if you're at a party, drunk, baked or what have you, and something goes down, but when these sluts go out lookidng to get used. Does it honestly make them happy? Like I said, I've had my moments, but it just makes me feel worthless after. I know there's no such thing as a perfect relationship, but I'd rather find someone I can love and not just someone to fuck for a while.

On another note, I'm stoked for the show tomorrow. Ive been listening to brunt of it for a long time, and I've been to a LOT of shows, and I've still yet to see them. I've seen have nots and Interrobang before, who are pretty good too, so it should be a good show. I guess some other band is playing but I've never heard of them. I've said this before, and I'll probably say it forever, but if I could make a living out of shows and photography, I would be set for life.

Photography is something that has always been a passion for me. My mom is really into it, and I guess it rubbed off on me. I have no schooling background for it, but I think I'm pretty decent for being an ammature. I hope to get some more lenses and flashes for my camera to experiment and get better results. I think my favorite photographer is joelle andres. She's pretty much living my dream, and I look up to her because she's a really good photographer, loves really awesome music and she combines them so well by taking sick pictures at awesome shows and doing promotional shots for so many of my favorite bands. She just put out "the ska calender" and I'm really glad I got one. Not only does it rule but Im glad I get to support someone I look up to.

Anyways, iguess were going to make brownies so I'm done.

Western Massachusetts,

Do you ever wonder what it would be like if you didn't exist? I don't mean in a sense of killing yourself, or running away, but just never had been born. I think about it probably more than I should, not because I don't want to exist, but because I wonder how I affect people in my life. I often wonder if I do make a difference to others, whether it's good or bad. Sometimes, I like to think I do make a positive impact on people, and sometimes I know I affect people badly, but I wonder what life would be like without me. Do I honestly make a difference in the Universe?

Even if I don't make a difference in the Universe, I'd like to make a difference in my part of the state. Western Mass used to be so full of life, as far as the local music scene goes. There were always shows somewhere on the weekends, or during the week, always new bands and old bands coming together and just having fun. Ever since The Shed in Palmer closed, it just seemed to die out. Even though I was never one to go there much, it did affect the rest of the Pioneer Valley. It wasn't for a couple of years after until the Flywheel in Easthampton shut down (originally to move, but they didn't end up having enough money to re-open), and that's when everything really started going to shit. Bands started breaking up, partially because they were getting old, but they also didn't have many places to play. People often ask me why there aren't many bands from Western Mass (don't get me wrong, there are still quite a few, but definitely not as many) and in all honesty, I think it's because they have no place to play. There are no basements, no punk houses, no venues (well, venues that don't suck huge dick), nothing.

For awhile, MercyHouse (which was a church in UMass Amherst) was having quite a few shows, but most of them consisted of hardcore bands. To be honest, I like some hardcore music, but the WMHC scene really fucking sucks. It's a cult, consisting of straight edge, violent, ignorant assholes, who usually aren't actually straight edge, but still call people out on not being edge. It's not a scene at all. It's so phoney, it makes me kind of sick. I have no problems at all with straight edge people, but when they give me shit because I'M not, that's not okay. And not only that, but they're fucking violent. Not in the "getting rowdy at shows", but actually fucking VIOLENT. There so much unneccesary scene hatred, I can't even stand it. Anyways, back to the point, hardcore shows are the reason MercyHouse is now shut down. The Specials couldn't have said it better in "Ghost Town", even though, it's more like many towns.

My favorite place to have shows for a while was this bar called Thirsty John's in Palmer, and it kind of was what The Shed used to be, but I guess the bar wasn't very successful, and now that's shut down too.

We still have some VFWs and American Legions (and Pearl Street, but what a fucking joke that place is) that still allow shows, though most of them don't even allow them on weekends, and they're always way too expensive, and find your own PA, be out by 11, no getting rowdy, and frankly, it's pointless.

So my mission (along with my friend Aaron, and a few others who feel the same way) is to rebuild what was so amazing, so fucking sweet, and revive Western Mass, because I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. As much as I love parts of Central and Eastern Mass, down to some parts of CT and RI, and even up to Southern NH and VT, I love Western Mass (even if it doesn't show). I want my local music scene back, and I plan on trying my fucking hardest to make it happen.